Sunday, April 15, 2018

Burnt Out

It's been a hellava 2018 & we're in the middle of April already. This year isn't anything I wanted it to be. Here & there I've felt like I lost myself & didn't want to fight in remaining fully committed to my Heavenly Father.  I call it feeling resentful, full of rage, irrational anger, selfishness, a bit depressed and just a lot of pain. But when those feelings were at their highest and off of a scale from 1-100% where I felt 85% away from my God. All of me would resurface once I would fall on my knees in prayer, pouring my heart to him. Which gave me the strength to even desire to pray again, work for what I prayed for & repent for my hard heart. I'm on the upside of feeling so defeated. And I'm grateful especially because on the Lord's side is where I want to be & where I want to remain. I'm slowly coming back & it feels good.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

Let it Snow

We're in the last month of 2017 and we haven't had a lot of snow. Ending out this year isn't as bad as last year. But it's not any better either. I'm more optimistic on alot of things & just meh about other things. You could say I'm trying to live a less cynical perspective. Especially when it comes to cruel and two faced people. I look forward to getting this year over with & seeing what 2018 has to offer & teach me. Crossing my fingers I meet more loyal friends & less backstabbing ones.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

I'm Too Legit

Brace yourselves because this is a total vent post and I'm gonna be completely unapologetic about it for a few reasons. One because most of you will probably come across it when I'm dead. Two if by some miracle I'm alive & you're reading it. You probably make it about yourself and be offended. And lastly if you're reading & you know its about you. Then SHAME ON YOU! Cuz you probably didn't bat an eyelash of guilt reading your actions. So there you have it & it is what it is in the end. 

I was just about to wind down for the night. And then I got really mad about my singlehood, why or why not men weren't seeking out to dating me, I became inferiorated about friends that have betrayed me through our friendships and to top it all off was being made out to be the lying two faced person these so called "sisters" & "brothers" were making me out to be. Even after all I provided was unconditional love, encouragement & prayers for their lives.

And then it finally dawned on me. I'm too legit. I'm never gonna fit in any group of people because no one can love me the way I love them. My protective intentions and actions are too much for people to consume. Which always ends with people pushing me out, blaming me for their dishonest of how I was trying to be there for them & be their greatest supporter.

So I'm done tryna convince anyone of my loyalty, heart & unconditional love. I'm everything any one could ever want in a sister related or not, amazing girlfriend/future wife & yet no one will have me. And I'm unfortunately getting getting use to it. Ironic..

Friday, October 27, 2017


I feel exactly how I've titled this post. Change has been so rapid these last four months. Moreso than I can even begin to remember. But on the brighter side leaning on Heavenly Father is still my foundation. Our Utah Fall season has been a major plus.

Monday, September 18, 2017

If Only

If only I could be a bird. I would fly so high to barely be seen. If only I could be the cloud that bird would freely sit on how my life would be so sublime. If only I could explore many lands by plane or by ship. I would leave in an instance and would never turn back to this. This being captivite, this feeling like millions of camoflaged traps but above all this being a toxic whole with a bottomless drop. If only I wasn't so quickly & unrighteously judge by many. I wouldn't now be feeling like closing all the way up. #YouWinSome#YouLoseSome
My First Suicide Awareness "Out of Darkness" Walk Sept 16,2017 at Liberty Park in honor of our brother Tuau "Stu" Afo and our beautiful niece Lesieli Leka Hafoka. #YellowFromMyHeartToYours #ForeverRememberedNeverToBeForgotten

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Flying Angels

June is a blur and July was a heartbreak that none of us was prepared to receive. Relationships severed and the torturing experience of having one of our sweet babies pass away. Lesieli Leka Hafoka, survived by her Mother Ana, Father Sione, one older brother Sefo and two younger brothers. Lesieli was the only girl in the family and an angel to say the least. She was one of the main kids that gave me the will to keep dancing in our Malialole Dance group during 2016-2017. It was her infectious greeting whenever we'd enter the studio for practice, it was her beautiful smile when we'd cheer her on during practice, it was running into her with her family at the library parking lot talking story with her mom and it was her pure & kind heart that made me love her. I will never forget Lesieli and I live everyday to love people the way she did & be 💯 genuine about it til I die.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Power Surrender

It's been an interesting last 24 hrs and once I lay out the entire reasoning about why it has to you readers. I hope that you will walk away from this post more confident, quick to forgive and feeling more loved then you did before you came across my blog. If any of you have followed my past blogs since I've turned into a blogalcoholic. Then you know my favorite subject is to talk about my non-existing love life, my crawl out of my many phazes out of rejection and how I've worked really hard not to grow into a man hater because males here in Utah just wont date me. And if they do offer to date me it's because their lonely & think I'm always available for whenever they want or their random old men that I meet on the trax station by the name of "Jose from Mexico" that get all touch feely when I say "Oh yeah, I don't have a boyfriend." lol So this post is about my most recent let down. BUT PLEASE as you read on PLEASE DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME. I don't want or need your pity. But do this instead for me.

If your married and are having a rough patch with your spouse. FIX IT! cause rough patches are fixable if both parties take the time to put in weak. If the grass looks greener on our side because we are single. I PROMISE ON THIS LAWN singlehood SUCKS!! And you really don't want to be on this end. So FIX YOUR ROUGH PATCH.

If you've just broken up with someone you thought was "THE ONE" for whatever reason. HEAR ME when I say "YOU WILL SURVIVE" you've come this far & though restarting in the dating game sucks. It could be worse. You could be in a crappy, abusive and empty marriage. But instead you are free from this ended relationship & new beginnings are at your footsteps. SO enjoy the moment & don't get or keep yourself depressed because your relationship has stopped.

And last but not least. If you're like me and are single or have been single for awhile. Please don't fret. GOD hasn't forgotten you. You won't be single forever and even if you were to never find your "Soul Tie" as I would love to put it. YOU are truly a catch to be appreciate and with buko patience. God will deliver the person of your dreams. So don't FEEL alone because in reality, you aren't alone.

Which seg ways into how I brought myself to surrendering my all about 14 hrs ago. I had grew fed up about suppressing my feelings for someone for a year and almost a half. I prayed about him, followed the prompts, repented for my impatience for the before mentioned timeframe, I forgave throughout that year the ppl I felt that knew of how I felt but didn't assist any to getting us on the same page, I forgave him for his avoidance also during that year and I even went towards the extreme to negotiating with the Lord plenty of alternatives. But none it worked. Not even praying the feelings & this individual away worked out for me. Zip, Zilch, Nada I was stuck in this lesson that was heartbreaking, taxing on my mind and felt like it ripped my spirit apart. But despite all of it. I still was able to rise above the chaos & finally reveal my whole intent, my entire heart and free myself from my own silence.

In hinesight I was able to free myself from the would'ves, could'ves, should'ves and a tad of wish haves :) I wasn't even mad at his rejection but the delivery could've been a little bit softer. But like my sisters say it is what it is, take men face value for what they say and keep everything simple & short.
I wish pursuing love wasn't so complicated, I wish communication between genders discussing their hearts were more honest and that the bounce back from rejection didn't feel so heavy. So this was my 14 hr ordeal of how I "Power Surrended" & am determined to always be kind at the end of the road of rejection with the belief that these moments are only making me stronger. I can fix anything w/the Lord, I am "The One" worth pursuing no matter what and lastly I truly am not alone. And neither are YOU!!! Proceed relationships w/caution but don't forget to have fun while doing it.

That's my sister Rena Ripley below w/me at our Malialole Dance Studio for bro Tanu & sis Lani Moe's baby shower. Also Malialole's Gma Vida Tuitama Hafoka in the background. #2017